Reality Bites

Day Three.

For the first time in days I decided to go out of the apartment and swim back to reality. It wasn’t easy but somehow it felt really good to be outside. To feel the cool breeze on my face, the warm sun touching my skin and all that jazz. I woke up at 1pm and left around 3. And I just couldn’t stop smiling while I was walking. I guess watching Densha Otoko really got to me. Usually, whenever I go out, my face is blank and I don’t ever look at other people’s faces. I also had an insane fear of sales clerks. I panic when they come near me. I know, it’s strange but I’m really scared of them. But somehow, today that fear vanished. I was Little Miss Sunshine the whole day! I smiled at people and I said thank you to the waitresses, the sales clerks, the security guards etc. in a very sweet way which I’ve never ever done before. All I did was shop for food and drinks. Nothing major, just some bottled juice, canned ice cream sodas and instant noodles. Afterwards, I got some takeout from a Japanese cafe and headed to the movie theater. I watched a chick-flick called “27 Dresses” starring Grey’s Anatomy’s Katherine Heigl. I’m not really into chick flicks but I watch every type of movie there is…And it’s been a while since I watched a chick-flick. Anyway, it was nothing special but it was pleasant enough. Katherine’s character was the exact opposite of me in terms of personality and hobbies. She was cute, friendly and bubbly and I’m the opposite. She loves going to weddings while I, on the other hand, hate weddings. Of course, I occasionally have girly dreams of getting married someday but I really hate attending other people’s weddings. But I could relate with Katherine’s character in a way, because she’s also an otaku. Well, as I’ve said before, being an otaku could be applied to any type of obsession and Katherine’s character, Jane, was obsessed with weddings. She dedicated her life to weddings. She’s really just like me. I dedicated my life to watching anime, dramas and movies. People may think I’m strange and that I should try having “a life” but I’m happy doing this. And the same thing goes for Jane. People think a pretty girl like her shouldn’t be wasting her life obsessing about other people’s weddings but she’s happy doing what she does and other people’s opinions doesn’t matter to her. I could also relate to her regarding the fact that she’s hopelessly in-love with a man who would never even look at her. Unrequited love is such a pain in the ass but, sad to say, I’m a member of “Unrequited love club.” Jane loved her boss because he was really good to her and he’s her dream guy and good friend. But he only sees her as a sister and a friend and he will never ever see her as a woman. All I can say is that: Been there, done that. I felt the exact same to thing towards my bestfriend Kazu. In fact, he’s the reason I left Japan. But I’ll get to that later. Anyway, the movie was not as funny as “Knocked up” or “The 40 Year old virgin” (Which is a movie about a fellow otaku) but it has quite a lot of laughs. Katherine Heigl has always been fun to watch. She can do comedy as well as she can do drama. But most of the wittiest and funniest lines came from her bestfriend KC. All in all, the movie was nice enough for me. But the highlight of this night was the Japanese burger I ate while watching the movie. It was seriously the most scrumptious burger I have ever eaten!

After the movie, I went straight home. And of all things that could possibly happen, I got an email from Kazu. And the smile on my face vanished completely. I really wanted to forget about him. I never intended to like him. We were really good friends. He was one of those really good looking nice guys. He had a girlfriend when I met him that’s why I never thought I would fall for him. But unfortunately, I did.

I met Kazu more than a year ago when I worked for an IT company as a graphic designer. He was a web programmer and although he’s not an otaku, his personality is exactly like mine. He came to that company, a month after I did. I remember the first day I saw him like it was yesterday. I came into the office and a tall guy was sitting at the desk opposite mine. His back was facing me and he was wearing a baseball cap so I couldn’t see his face. I completely ignored him. I sat down as if I didn’t see anything. When our manager introduced him to us as the newest member of our team, I just nodded at his direction. I barely looked at his face. But I did notice that he was quite good-looking. Come to think of it, he kinda resembles Takizawa Hideaki. Well, I guess, that’s why all the girls at the office was giving him so much attention. But despite his good-looks and all the attention he was getting, he was a really shy and quiet guy. It took him weeks before he was able to talk to me. But when he did, I found out that we had so much in common. The food we like, the kind of movies we love watching, our zodiac signs, our mannerisms, and other preferences are exactly the same. One could say that he’s the male version of me. The only difference is that he’s not an otaku. I have always wanted to have a big brother and Kazu was exactly like that to me. We always went out drinking. I tell him all of my problems and he was always there to listen. He even stays at my apartment sometimes and we would drink and talk all night and we would sleep on the same bed. H even borrows my t-shirts when he’s there. He was like a real brother to me. Anyway, since all my friends are guys, I never felt awkward around him. But when he broke up with his girlfriend, the girls at the office started to make their moves on him. They shamelessly flirted with him and they wouldn’t even let him spend time with me anymore. They would literally drag him away from when they see us talking. It was like, I was a threat to them. They even gave me evil looks. The girls at the office were never nice to me because of me being an otaku but they were beyond mean during those times. But I ignored them all. I’m not their rival or anything so I shouldn’t be affected by their evil stares. But then one of them, Rika, was really sweet and nice to Kazu. And she was even friendly towards me and all our guy friends. She would bring food to the office and share it with all of us and she brought a bento for Kazu everyday. She wasn’t pretty but she’s cute, bubbly and charming and she really loved clinging onto Kazu. And soon, she and Kazu became really really close. They were always together and it felt like there was no room for me anymore. And that’s when I felt the excruciating pain in my chest. It really hurts. I’ve never felt anything like it before. I wanted to shout and cry whenever I saw them together. I felt really miserable. And that’s when I realized that I’m in-love with Kazu. But because I was coward, I kept my feelings to myself. I never told anyone about it. I was afraid that if Kazu finds out how I feel for him, I would lose him forever. I don’t care if I’m just his friend. At least that way I could stay by his side. I tried to fall out of love but he made it really hard for me to do that. Whenever I tried to distance myself from him, he suddenly does something really nice for me. He and Rika never became a couple because Kazu really loves his ex-girlfriend and he was determined to get her back. His determination to win her heart, drove the stake deeper into my heart. It was painful watching him chase after this girl who probably doesn’t even care about him. It was too painful. And I knew I’ve reached my limit. And so I decided to leave. I’m a coward. All I could do was run away. I’m not sweet, bubbly and perky. I can never be like those girls who are crazy about him. I couldn’t even tell him how I feel. I was so scared, clueless and completely hopeless. I told him that I was leaving soon because of a job offer. The night before I left, we went drinking with the other guys. It was beautiful night. I felt a sudden need to get some fresh air so I rode my bike and went to the beach. I stopped to look at the night sky. Then I noticed that someone else was there. Kazu said he was worried about me so he followed me. We rode the bike together and went biking for hours. It felt like an eternity. We talked about all sorts of things. Some made sense some didn’t but we didn’t really care. When the night was over Kazu went to bed but I stayed outside and cried for hours. And the next day, I left without saying goodbye to anyone. No one even knew that I was leaving that day. I couldn’t say goodbye to him. I tried the night before but he refused to believe that I won’t be seeing him ever again. He said “See you later” and he had a smile on his face.

After I left Japan, I never contacted him. I completely cut ties with him. I thought forgetting him would be easier if I just pretend that he never existed. But it wasn’t that easy. Everytime I watch a drama, I see him as the leading man. But a few months and hundreds of anime and dramas later, I was finally beginning to get over him. Until today, when he decided to send me an email. All of my memories of him started pouring in when I read his email. And it was just too much to handle. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and tears just wouldn’t stop falling down my cheeks. I wanted to ignore the email but if I do he’ll just get worried and email me again. So I replied to his email and tried to properly say goodbye to him. I thanked him for everything and told him that I would never ever see him again. But he didn’t take it seriously. He took it as a joke and he still refused to believe that I’m never going to see him. He cracked up some jokes and said that line again “See you later”. So I had no choice and I did something that I know I would regret forever. I sent him an email and said a lot of really horrible things to him. It was an email full of lies. I just tried to sound like the most pathetic and hateful person in the planet. I thought, if he hated me, I’d finally be able to let go of him. I waited for his reply as if I was in death-row, waiting to be executed. And when he replied, my knees felt really weak and I felt like I lost every bit of strength I have in my body. His reply was very casual…too casual. He said goodbye to me as if I’m a complete stranger. I could see through his lie. We are alike, after all. He hid all his anger and disappointment behind a mask and tried to sound indifferent towards me. But I knew how he felt and I knew that now, our friendship is really over. I would never see him again, I would never hear from him again, he’s completely erased from my life. And even though that’s what I wanted to happen, it felt horrible. There’s no turning back. He’s really gone. It hurts. I feel so weak. Why does reality hurt so bad? I hate reality. In my fantasy world of anime and dramas, I get to be whoever I want to be. I could have a happy ending whenever I want it. But in real life, things are not that easy. Real tears are really painful. It’s my first day back to reality after being shut inside my make-believe world for days and this is what I get. This unbelievable pain and sadness. I hate reality. Please save me from it.

End of Day Three.