Prisoner of Love

Day Thirty Six.

I’m changing. I’m changing and I didn’t even notice it. I guess it started when I fell in love with Kazu and it continued while I’m living alone in a foreign country.

I’m changing. And I hate it! Life used to be simpler for me. No matter what I go through since I was a child, as long as I have a book or manga to read or an anime to watch, I’d be fine. I’ve been an otaku mainly to escape reality. That’s why as girls my age started to grow wrinkles because of their problems in life, I remained youthful. It’s because I never thought about my problems too much. When my dad abused me when I was six, I read a book and became perfectly fine. When my mom ignored me and did not believe me, I watched an anime and I was okay. When a guy from my class almost raped me when I was a freshman in college, I watched a movie the next day and I felt as if nothing happened. In every sad and horrible event in my life, I always had my anime, movies and books to rely on. But now, it’s different. I’m different.

You may be wondering why I’m saying all these things. I’m just a plain otaku girl right? Why do I suddenly say dark things about my life? Well, I’m sick of hiding them! I’m sick of pretending that nothing’s wrong. These things I’m writing and about to write are the things I’ve been keeping inside me for years. I’ve never told anyone about them because I don’t know if the people around me would accept me after hearing these. I guess, this is why I preferred to be alone. I felt suffocated when I’m with people. I find it troublesome to deal with them because I have to constantly hide the real me.

Some of my friends knew me as the shy, quiet and hard-working student. Always on top of the class, always winning in competitions, always well-mannered…the perfect child. Some knew me as the prim and proper and very feminine girl. Always doing the right thing, always calm and composed. While a select few, knew me as the passionate otaku. Someone very devoted to her hobbies, a walking encyclopedia of anime, manga and movies.

No one knew the angry, bitter person that I really am deep inside. Even I didn’t know that person existed. All I knew is that there’s something inside me that felt so heavy and it was choking me bit by bit as the years pass by. But now I wanna let it out. I’m not going to talk about anime, dramas or movies now because none of them is helping me anymore. No matter how many I watched these past few weeks, I still feel horrible inside. All of them are just masks that I wear. All of them but one…

The title of this post is “Prisoner of Love”. Yes, that’s the theme song of the drama “Last Friends”. I watched a lot of dramas where I could relate to the characters. But those dramas are all sugar-coated. They still didn’t feel real, and just like everything I watched, they just added up to the thick mask that I wear everyday. But “Last Friends” is different. For the first time, I’m finally able to watch a drama, that reflects the darkness and sadness of own life. And instead of becoming a part of my mask, it shattered the mask I’ve been wearing. And now I just wanna let it all out.

Love, Liberation, Agony, Solitude and Contradiction. Those were the emotions associated with each character of the drama. And those are the emotions I kept bottled-up inside me all these years. I didn’t just relate to one character but I’m a combination of all of them. And all five of them also represents some of the significant people in my life.

RUKA

The Ruka of my story was a girl named Yui. At the time of my life when I was pretending to be someone I’m not, Yui was the only person who allowed me to be myself. I was very feminine and composed at that time and I used to hang-out with girls whom I have nothing in common with. I also hid the fact that I was an otaku. But Yui was the only person whom I could talk to about anime and movies. Whenever I watch something new, the first thing I could think of was that I have to tell Yui all about it tomorrow.

Yui was very boyish in appearance. She had really short hair and wears boys clothes. She didn’t have any favorite male actors or singers. She was always complimenting female celebrities. That’s why she was often teased by our classmates that she’s a lesbian. Especially when she’s worrying about me. Whenever I was late or absent, she often says stuff like. “I hope MY Kumiko’s okay. I’m really worried!” People would laugh at her for saying “MY Kumiko” but she didn’t mind. Me, I never really believed all the rumors. I always thought that she just liked wearing boyish clothes but deep inside she’s a girl. She even told me she had a boyfriend, but she didn’t want to talk about him.

You’re probably thinking, I’m just copying stuff from the drama “Last Friends”. But I have nothing to gain from doing that. Art imitates life and in this case, the events in the drama, really happened in my life. Truth is, I wish I have seen this drama earlier. Maybe if I saw it back then, I would have understood Yui better. She’s exactly like Ruka. She’s also very competitive but instead of motocross, she’s a champion in Karate. I feel bad now for cutting ties with her. I couldn’t understand her back then so I got mad at her and stopped communicating with her. I haven’t even seen her for five years now.

ERI

The Eri of my life was a girl named Reiko. She’s pretty, loud, confident and funny! She loves drinking and having fun and always wanted to have all the attention. She also wants to feel loved all the time. She’s dated so many guys that she probably lost count. She said she hates being alone, so whenever she breaks-up with a guy, she finds a new guy to replace him immediately. She’s the exact opposite of me but I guess that’s why we became friends for a long time. She’s the friend I knew the longest. Even before I met Yui, or Kazu, I’ve known Reiko. We weren’t bestfriends when we were in college. She’s just one of the girls I hung out with. The two of us were so different that I didn’t like her that much then. But when we graduated and started working, Reiko and I met again. She was somehow different. She seemed older and more mature. Since all of our other friends have gone their separate ways, Reiko and I were the only ones left together. So we became close friends. I was never really able to tell Reiko my problems and I was often on my guard when I was with her. But she was the only friend that stayed by my side the longest. And I guess, she balances my personality. She was also the one who introduced me to Kazu.

A few months ago, before I moved to out of the country, I was living in a share-house with Reiko. I’ve lived alone in my own apartment since I was sixteen but when Reiko and I got a job at the same company, she asked me to move-in with her to a share-house. I guess, she only asked me because she didn’t want to be alone. So we lived in the same house together. We even had pair cups like the ones in “Last Friends”. Every morning I would make coffee or tea while she cooks breakfast. I felt uneasy about living with someone else at first but Reiko was really fun to be with so I got used to it. But although I’ve seen Reiko cry a thousand times because of the guys she was dating, I never showed my vulnerable side to her. We laugh and do silly stuff together but I never “really” cried in front of her.

But one time, while she was out of the house, I got really emotional because of Kazu. I cried and cried and I couldn’t stop. She came home and found me crying in room. She asked what’s wrong but I just couldn’t speak. In fact, I barely even had the strength to turn and look at her. I just felt so weak. She somehow got mad because of that. She probably thought I was unfair. She cries in front of me and tells me her problems all the time but I never did the same to her. We started to drift apart since then and then one day she got mad at me for some mundane reason and ended up saying horrible things to me. That’s when I realized that it’s just impossible for me to live with someone else. I’m better off living alone. Plus, at that time, I also made a decision to leave the country because of Kazu. So while she was out of the house, I packed my bags and left without telling her. I only left a note on her desk. And I didn’t see her again after that. Oh and another “Last Friends” coincidence: when I moved to my new place I accidentally broke the cup that matches hers.

TAKERU

The Takeru of my life is, obviously, Kazu. Like Takeru, Kazu is a kind and gentle person who could understand everyone’s feelings. He’s also tall and good-looking so girls always approach him. He’s nice to everyone and is always ready to listen to our problems. And he’s the only guy in the world who understood and really cared for me. When it comes to Kazu, I feel like I’m Michiru. Kazu always watched out for me and tried his best to make me feel that I am not alone. There was this episode in last Friends where Takeru rescued Michiru from Sousuke. He told Michiru to come back home and leave Sousuke but Michiru said she didn’t want to trouble anyone. That line hits the bullseye for me. Almost two years ago, I was alone on my birthday. I’m used to being alone and not receiving presents. But Kazu told me that we should go out and have fun on that day with our friends. I told him that he shouldn’t bother. Everyone’s busy with work and I don’t want to trouble anyone. He got mad and said “That’s not true! Stop thinking that you’re in our way! You’re important to us and we’re worried about you!” I was not used to having people worry and care about me. But Kazu showed me that my existence mattered to him.

When I’m with him, I also felt like Ruka, because I felt like I could be myself and I could tell him everything. And just like what Ruka said, “Knowing that at least one person in the world understands me, really encourages me.” But I know that no matter how good he is to me, he’ll never like me more than a friend. For him, it’s natural to be nice to girls since he has an older sister. What he didn’t know is that he is the only guy who was ever that nice to me. For me, the way he treated me is special, but for him, it’s just normal. I’ve always wanted to ask him the question: “Kazu, is it okay for me to like you?” But I was too much of a coward to do so. I guess, even Michiru who’s so weak and helpless is far braver than me.

SOUSUKE

The first Sousuke in my life was my dad. Although he gave every material thing I needed and he often say that I’m his favorite, I hate him! He was always out of the country because of his business trips. When he comes home, he showers me with gifts and toys but of course there is a price. He likes touching me in places that he shouldn’t be touching. He pretended that we’re just playing but I knew that we’re not. I acted like I didn’t understand what was happening. I pretended to be an innocent child who didn’t know that her dad was touching her in forbidden places. When it gets too much to bear, I laugh and playfully push him away or jokingly bite his hand. He thought I knew nothing but he’s wrong. I was never an innocent child. I’ve been reading books since I was 3 and my dad used to watch hentai films in front of me. He thought I wouldn’t be able to understand them since I was only 4. But I did understand. I don’t know how I understood them…I just did. So I knew that what he was doing to me is wrong. When he touches me, I pretended to know nothing but once he’s gone, I started crying. I felt pathetic and disgusting. I was only six years old but I already felt such emotions. I told my mom about it but she told me to stop lying. She said I shouldn’t talk about stuff that I don’t understand. I told my aunt about it but when she confronted my mom about it, I just got scolded by my mom. So I kept my mouth shut since then. It’s because of my dad that I don’t like to be touched by others. I don’t hug my siblings and close friends. I don’t allow my guy friends to put their arm on my shoulder or touch my hand. Only three guys were able to hold my hand, Kazu and a couple of classmates I went drinking with. Those two were only able to hold my hand because I was drunk. I am also afraid of being in a relationship with any guy because I feel uncomfortable being touched by them. In “Last Friends”, Sousuke seem to bring darkness into the room when he enters. Michiru gets scared and jumpy and doesn’t know how to behave. My dad is like that. Whenever he’s in the room, my siblings and I get nervous. You see, he has some sort of split personality. Sometimes he’s cheerful and funny but all of a sudden he becomes cruel and ill-tempered. He gets mad over mundane things. He even contradicts himself sometimes. Like for example, one time my sisters were were cutting up pieces of papers and decorating their notebooks and stuff with it. There were pieces of paper scattered all over the living room. My dad suddenly went out if his room and saw them. He cheerfully said, “That sure looks good! My daughters sure are artistic like me!” Then he went back to his room. A few minutes later he went out again and when he saw my sisters again, he said, “What’s with all that rubbish!? Clean that mess up right now! And stop wasting paper!”

Another Sousuke in my life was a classmate I had when I was a freshman in college. He was literally like Sousuke. He looked like him, they even had the same haircut, complexion and voice. My friends had a crush on him because he’s good-looking, quiet and mysterious. He really did look like Nishikido Ryo but I never liked him because I felt like there’s something ominous about him. And I was right. One time, we had a group study at my house with three girls and four guys. It was fine at first, then Sousuke (I’ll call him that) suddenly brought out some beer. I could handle alcohol really well since my dad and grandpa are heavy drinkers and there was always alcohol in the house. But that night, Sousuke made me drink too much. I knew my limit so when I was beginning to feel dizzy, I stopped and went to my room to sleep. But Sousuke followed me and lay down beside me (half-naked) He suddenly kissed me and started touching me while whispering over and over in my ear (”I like you”). I was really shocked! But even though I was weak and dizzy, I was still able to stop him. But it was really close! I was too weak and dizzy to keep him away for too long. I felt so scared, helpless and disgusted. I hate being touched by others and this guy I barely know was touching me! Good thing, one of my female friends didn’t drink that much and she came in the room just in time. My friends couldn’t believe that the quiet and seemingly harmless guy they liked would try to attack me. But I guess, looks can be deceiving.

MICHIRU

I guess I’m the Michiru of my story. But mostly in appearance only. Most people say I look very feminine and naive. I have a childish face that looks like someone who needs to be protected all the time. When strangers see me for the first time, they immediately assume that I have a boyfriend because to them, a girl who looks as weak as I do couldn’t possibly be living alone. But in terms of personality, the only thing we have in common is the lack of direction in life. Takeru strives to be the best in his field, Ruka is a very competitive athlete, Eri has a nice and stable job but Michiru seems to be floating around unsure of what to do next with her life. Her life used to revolve around Sousuke so when she broke-up with him, she didn’t know how to start over. I’m also in that phase right now. I ran away from my problems and moved to another country. But now I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m running out of money and I don’t have a steady job. I used to have an apartment but I gave it up to live in a share-house with Reiko and now that we’re not in speaking-terms anymore, I have nothing left. I used to have a steady job but because of Kazu. I guess, I allowed my life to revolve around the people that are closest to me. So now that they’re gone, I’m completely lost.

But I think I’m really more like Ruka. She’s been hiding a secret part of herself for years. She’s afraid to tell anyone about it because she’s afraid to be rejected. I’m exactly like her. I hid my secret from everyone because I thought they wouldn’t understand and they would all leave me. Just like Ruka, I kept myself distant from people. I only have one long-time friend (Reiko) and there’s only one guy I trusted (Kazu). Although people think I’m fortunate to have a complete family, a good home and the intelligence and talent to be someone important, they didn’t know how much pain I feel inside me. Just like Ruka, I also prefer to live alone. I also have never been in a relationship with a man and I hate to be touched by men. I also did what Ruka did. I pretended to have a boyfriend so that Reiko and the others would stop bugging me about not liking guys. I was in college that time. Reiko and our two closest friends all had boyfriends and they kept asking me if there’s a guy I like. There was also a guy courting me that time. He’s a nice guy but I could only see him as a friend. So to shut my friends up and to allow that guy to move on with his life, I told them that I’m already seeing someone. I made up a story about a guy I’ve loved for years. I told them that that guy and I met again after years of separation and we’re now seeing each other. Reiko and the others were so thrilled to hear that and they kept asking me to tell them more about him. Good thing, I’m a good liar and I’m also good in making-up stories. I even showed them fake emails that came from my fake boyfriend. I also showed them the picture of my childhood friend and told them that he’s the guy I’m seeing.

But the biggest part about me that’s exactly like Ruka is my heart. Ruka’s feelings for Michiru is exactly like my feelings for Kazu. In one episode Ruka said that before she met Michiru again, she was finally able to get used to living alone. She was alright with having no one to love, no one to care for or worry about. I was like that before I met Kazu. I thought falling in love is impossible and I’m destined to be alone forever and I was fine with that. I’ve never been in love so I wouldn’t know what I was missing. But after I met him, I realized that life can be more beautiful and also more painful.

People have different ways of showing love. But Ruka and I are the same. Ruka once said “If you could suppress you feelings occasionally, and pull away for your partner’s sake, I think that’s what love is”. I also think so. That’s one of the reasons why I never told Kazu my feelings. (Aside from the fact that I’m a coward) I knew that he loves someone else and that he could never love me back. If I told him my feelings, it’ll just complicate things. He’s too nice. He might feel bad for me but then he can’t force his heart to love me. I don’t want him to feel troubled and worried so I suppressed my feelings and pulled away from him for his sake, even though doing that was the most painful thing I had to do in my entire life.

“It’s painful. It’s so painful that I want to scream out in a loud voice. But if I were to “come out” now, I would lose everything.”

That’s what Ruka said about hiding her secret and that’s exactly what I feel right now. I’ve kept my anger a secret, I kept my feelings for Kazu a secret so I ended up being in so much pain. To escape this pain, just like Ruka, I ran away. I moved out of the share-house and out of the country. I left without saying goodbye to anyone. But no matter how far away I am, the pain is still there. I just kept it buried inside me by being passionate about my hobbies. But like I said, that’s all over now.

The pain, the anger, the sadness inside me are beginning to come out. And what’s worse, I have no one right now. I’ve always had no one but now it feels worse because I few months ago I had someone: I had Kazu by my side. Having no one by my side used to be okay. But after Kazu showed me how wonderful it is to have someone by your side, being alone now feels like hell!

I am a “Prisoner of Love” just like many people like me. Someone please save me !

PRISONER OF LOVE

by Utada Hikaru (English translation)

With an indifferent face you tell a lie
Laughing until you feel sick
“Let’s have nothing but fun” you said

Feeling blue over desiring the impossible
Everyone is seeking tranquility
You’re struggling, but you’ve had enough
Now you’re chasing after a shadow of love

Since the day you appeared
My dull “everyday”s have begun to shine
Now I‘m able to think, “Feeling loneliness, being in pain – that’s not so bad”
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Through painful times and healthy times,
Stormy days and sunny days, let’s walk on together

I’m gonna tell you the truth
I chose an unforeseeably painful path
and you came to support me
You’re the only one I can call a friend

Fake displays of strength and avarice have become meaningless
I’ve been in love with you since that day
When I’m free, with time to spare, there’s no life in being alone
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh… Just a little more
Don’t you give up
Oh don’t ever abandon me
If the cruelty of reality tries to tear us apart
We’ll be drawn more closely to one another
Somehow, somehow, I have a feeling we’ll be able to stand firm
I’m just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Every day banalities quickly begin to shine brilliantly
You stole my heart that day
Loneliness and pain I thought I could deal with
I’m just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
Don’t leave me alone again

End of Day Thirty Six.