Two Deaths in One Night

Day Thirty Seven.

It’s been a while since my last entry. I know my last post was quite different from my usual posts. Some people feel uncomfortable reading stuff like that and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them stop reading my blog because of it, but I have no regrets. I felt so much better after letting it all out and I would like to thank the three people who posted comments, for what they said. Honestly, I don’t know the right thing to say to make people feel better either, but just the fact that those three people wanted to make me feel better and was able to understand me was more than enough for me. So, thank you. I guess, I’m really not alone in the world.

I was afraid to tell others my problems because I grew up surrounded by superficial people. People who are only there during happy times but when I start talking about my problems, they feel uneasy and backs away. Almost all of my friends since childhood were like that, even my own mother is like that. My mom wants to look like a good mother in front of her friends. She’s always nice, cheerful and caring. She’s a wonderful cook and makes the best cakes and pastries. She takes care of us when we’re sick and goes out shopping with us during her free time. But her idea of being a good mother is a bit shallow. She always tells me that she’ll always listen to my problems. That I should not hesitate to tell her anything. She said she wants to be my friend and not just my mother. But whenever I start talking about serious stuff, she feels awkward and starts changing the topic and sometimes even finds excuses to end the conversation. She was never really interested in my problems or even my ideas. She just wants to talk about boys, shoes, clothes and arranging furniture. She’s a teenage girl trapped in a middle-aged woman’s body. So I was a disappointment to her. Whenever I come home from school with a new award or good news about my studies, she was never interested to hear what I had to say. Whenever I got top grades in class or won a contest, she would say unenthusiastically, “Good Job!” then she’ll go back to what she’s doing. I thought she’s just naturally like that, but when my younger sister got a boyfriend and started talking about him, my mom started to get all excited and wanted to hear more. She loves hearing her describe her boyfriend and their dates and stuff. I’ve never seen my mom so excited and enthusiastic before. I guess, she wanted a normal, cheerful and perky daughter and I was none of that. Even though my sister had bad grades and never won anything, my mom seemed to be happier to have her as a daughter.

So I guess, she’s the main reason why I never talk about my problems in front of others. My mom started avoiding me when I told her my problems and I don’t want others to avoid me too.

But enough of that. After two weeks of staying shut inside my apartment, I decided to go out. I wore my brand-new black dress, got all dolled-up and went outside. The outside world didn’t seem real anymore. I could see the people around me but they seem distant and fake. I felt that if I reach out and try to touch them, I’d feel nothing but air in my hands. It’s a strange feeling. I went to a really crowded place and although I was surrounded by lots of people, I felt like I was the only one there. Until an old lady approached me and asked me to help her use her ATM card. I was startled at first. It’s like I was suddenly waking-up from a trance. She was the first person who actually talked to me. And not just the simple “Welcome to Starbucks” or “Where to, miss?” or “Let me repeat your order…” etc.

The old lady said she was given an ATM card but she didn’t know how to use it and she’s afraid it would get stuck in the machine. There were lots of other people around, friendlier-looking people, but she chose to approach me. I taught her how to use her card and she was able to successfully check her Balance. Afterwards, she thanked me and said goodbye. It was my first real conversation with another person since I got here. And it made me realize that I’m still a part of the real world. That people could actually see me as a person and approach me. Not as a customer but an actual person. I know it’s pathetic, but I’ve been alone for too long so everything felt strange to me. After that I went to the salon to get a haircut. I know, I’ve said before that I hate going to salons because the salon people are too chatty, but I wanted to change my appearance. My hair was really long and was covering my face so I had it cut up to the shoulders and I felt ten tons lighter. Plus the stylist who cut my hair was Korean so she wasn’t chatty at all since she doesn’t speak English. At first she thought I was Korean and started talking to me in Korean and I replied to her in my own language. It was quite funny but somehow she knew what to do with my hair even though we didn’t understand each other.

After that I watched a movie while eating creampuffs. I know movies, anime and dramas couldn’t bury my problems anymore but since I already talked about them in this blog, I don’t need to bury them anymore. Instead of using my hobbies to escape reality, I can now just enjoy them for what they are. Just these couple of weeks, I watched seven movies: “Prince Caspian”, “Get Smart”, “The Happening”, “The Incredible Hulk”, “Wanted”, “Hancock” and “Made of Honor”. The first six were just fun, big-budgeted Hollywood movies. (I didn’t like Hancock though.) The last one was absolute torture because it’s like a preview of what my life would have been if I stayed by Kazu’s side and remained his bestfriend. I might get to be his Best Man when he ties the knot someday, just as Patrick Dempsey became Maid of Honor. Waaaah, that would be a nightmare!

Wanted was really fun though! It has the wildest, sickest, most absurd action scenes I have ever seen! Sure it’s not perfect and it won’t win an Oscar any time soon but who cares?! It was one wild ride! Plus James McAvoy rocked! I liked him before when he was playing serious and family-friendly roles but now I adore him! He practically carried the whole film on his back! Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman were pretty much just bait to attract the audience but McAvoy is the real star of this movie! Plus it’s like making any dull and boring person’s fantasy come to life! I used to be that drone, sitting in a cubicle for 8 to 13 hours everyday with my insecure boss berating me constantly. I used to live the same repetitive life (actually I still do) and I used to imagine something spectacular and out of this world suddenly happening to me that would turn my world upside down. Believe it or not, I even imagined myself being an assassin, secret agent or some sort of secret weapon. I know it’s silly but when you do the same things everyday, you can’t help but use your wild imagination to get out of the monotony of real life.

As for the drama department, I finished three dramas already: Last Friends, Zettai Kareshi and the old drama that I started watching, “Remote”. Remote is a really funny mystery drama about a brilliant detective who became a shut-in because of a tragic incident. But since he’s too smart and valuable to the police force they allowed him to keep working on cases. So he hires an assistant to help him solve cases without him leaving the basement of his home. The assistant must follow all his instructions through her mobile phone and must face all sorts of danger by herself. It’s a really interesting drama and I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before! I love mystery dramas and the shut-in detective, Himuro, reminds me so much of “L” from Death Note. He’s cold and serious though and doesn’t seem to have emotions. He hasn’t left his basement for one whole year but he was still able to solve cases. His assistant, Kurumi, is an Orihime type of girl: whiny, silly, helpless and stupid. At first she really pissed me off with her attitude but she slowly started to change as the series progressed. Actually she and detective Himuro both changed a lot. This reminds me of Nodame Cantabile because all of the main characters are flawed in the beginning. None of them are morally perfect like Yankumi but they evolved as the series progressed. The cases were really fun to solve too, especially the one about the suicide of the highschool girl. The scenes from that episode reminds me of the movie “Battle Royale” because the students must play a brutal survival game. Oh and Eita guest-starred in that episode too! I also love the episode about the group of robbers with codenames: Lupin, Jigen and Fujiko. I kept imagining their anime versions while watching that episode! Tamaki Hiroshi (Chiaki-senpai) was also really funny in this drama. He moved and talked just like Nakatsu of Hana Kimi! The ending was kinda lame but I’m glad I watched this! It was a fun drama and it didn’t make me emotional or anything. Plus there are no characters that I could relate to so I could just enjoy the dramas as it is, without comparing it to my life. I guess the only thing i didn’t like about it was the performance of some of the lead actors. Domoto Koichi looked a little too young for the role of Himuro and his eyes are a bit blank. Plus his reactions seemed forced and unnatural sometimes. Fukada Kyoko was really funny and was thoroughly convincing in playing the role of the pretty but dumb parking attendant, Kurumi. But she’s not very good during dramatic scenes. When she hugged Himuro in one episode, her facial expression was a bit off. But all in all, it was still a good drama.

As for Last Friends, my most favorite drama of all time, the ending was really unexpected but unbelievably wonderful. Since it’s a very intense and somewhat tragic drama, everyone was expecting a tragic ending as well. There were lots of speculations that one of the main characters (not including Sousuke) would die in the end. And the writers seemed to know about these speculations so they kept giving hints that someone would die. Like when Ruka and Takeru had an accident while riding a motorcycle. They made the audience think that one of them would die but they ended up being fine. Then Michiru’s doctor said that Michiru’s pregnancy was really delicate and she and the baby might die during labor. And then when Michiru gave birth, the doctor went out with a sad look on his face. Again the audience would think that Michiru died but in the end she and the baby were fine. I guess, the biggest twist of this drama is that it actually has a happy ending. The villain died, Eri and Ogurin got married and Ruka, Takeru, and Michiru lived happily ever after in the sharehouse with Michiru’s baby, Rumi.

It was a very beautiful ending and shows a new and higher form of love that could exist between friends. None of them are lovers but the three of them forms one complete and happy family. Takeru and Ruka are both fathers to Michiru’s baby but then they are also its mother. There are no definite roles in their family because gender is irrelevant. The only thing that’s important is that they all love each other and would raise the baby with all the love and support a baby could ever need. What a wonderful ending! That baby sure is lucky!

Now as for the title of this post. You’re probably wondering what the title means. Well, sad to say, two very important people died recently. Their names are Night and L! Okay, okay so they’re not really people! But those are two of my most favorite fictional characters and I’m just so attached to them! So when they died, I felt like I lost someone important to me. I know it’s silly but that’s how I felt.

FIRST DEATH:

As I’ve said earlier, I finished the drama Zettai Kareshi. I always knew how it would end since I have already read the manga before. But I still cried buckets of tears when the drama ended. Night has become an important part of my life. Every week I eagerly wait for the new episode so that I could see Night’s silly antics and adorable facial expressions. He’s just one of the most memorable and lovable characters that I’ve seen in a drama and I have Hayami Mokomichi to thank for that. Most people overlooked his performance as Night but I think it is his best performance yet. It’s not just because he looks convincing as a robot but it’s because of his eyes. They have such innocence in them that looks so real. And when he’s sad you could clearly see the sorrow in his eyes. It’s hard to explain but he’s really amazing! From the moment this drama started, Hayami Mokomichi ceased to exist. In my eyes, he’s Tenjo Night! It’s almost the same as the way I feel when watching Johnny Depp movies. Whenever he’s a portraying a new and eccentric character, the actor ceases to exist and Johnny transforms completely into the character he’s playing. So when Night died at the end of the drama, I couldn’t stop crying. His character was so real to me and I somehow couldn’t believe he’s gone. Actually, I started crying when he was doing sweet things for Riiko eventhough he knew that he doesn’t have much time left to live. Seeing him smiling and laughing eventhough he knew he’d be gone soon was really painful to watch. Even after the drama ended, I was still crying and I didn’t know why. I know crying over a fictional character is stupid but I can’t help it. These characters are the only ones with me now so I got really attached to them. Anyway, the ending was extremely sad but it’s also very sweet, especially when they showed Night sleeping peaceful inside his box. When Namikiri said “Sweet dreams” to him, Night seemed like some sort of Sleeping Beauty waiting for the day that his Princess would come and wake him up with a kiss. I hope that day would come because I really want Night to have a happy ending. He deserves it.

SECOND DEATH:

The second death is the death of “L”. Okay, so he died at end of the last Death Note movie but it wasn’t that sad. “L” had no one before. He had no friends and the only important person in his life, Watari, already died. So he had no reason to live anymore. In fact, he didn’t seem to care whether he lives or dies. But after watching the movie “L:Change the World” things changed, “L” changed.

“L” is probably my most favorite fictional character ever. He’s strange, he’s brilliant, he’s one of a kind. I love eccentric characters and with L, “eccentricity” is his middle name! I love everything about him. He’s also an insomniac like me, he likes eating sweets like me, he’s always bent over in front of his computer like me, he doesn’t know how to interact with people like me and he rarely leaves the house like me. He’s like the male version of me although, of course, he’s a genius detective and I’m not. When I first saw the anime Death Note, “L” became my instant favorite. But it’s not until I watched the live-action movie that I completely fell in love with his character. Matsuyama Ken’ichi made the character even more interesting and lovable than it was in the anime and manga. All the stuff I said about Hayami Mokomichi playing Night, also applies to Matsuyama Ken’ichi playing “L”. He was born to play this role and I don’t think anyone else could fill his shoes. He’s just a brilliant actor. I said before that Oguri Shun is the Johnny Depp of Japan in terms of versatility but in terms of having eccentric roles, Ken’ichi is most definitely our Johnny Depp!

“L” even reminds of me of Edward Scissorhand. His pale face, his dark messy hair, his strange facial expressions…they’re almost exactly the same. Although of course, “L” is way cooler since he’s a genius. He could speak several languages, he could solve difficult cases from all around the world without leaving the room and he’s always one step ahead of the culprits. He’s way cool! So how can I not love him?! But in this movie they showed a side of “L” that I’ve never seen before. When Watari was alive, he was the one who dealt with the people outside while “L” remained in his room giving orders through his laptop. (Just like Himuro in “Remote”). That’s why “L” is a bit socially retarded because he’s not used to dealing with people. (Which I could totally relate to) But after Watari’s death, “L” became more hands-on. And not only did he have to personally face the culprits, he also had to personally protect the good guys which happened to be two little kids. I’ve pictured “L” doing all sorts of weird things but babysitting is not one of them. “L” is so much like a child so I could never see him taking care of children. But in this movie he did. It was really fun seeing him interact with children. The cool, emotionless “L” finally showed his vulnerable side. For the first time we see him act surprised, anxious and concerned. Plus, he’s not the guy in front of the computer anymore. In this movie, we see “L” running around, knocking the bad guys unconscious, jumping into a moving plane, and riding a bike. LOL! Seeing “L” in a bike was so funny and unexpected. “L” is also not just the mastermind anymore, he’s now an action star! It was really strange seeing “L” in the outside world. Seeing “L” shopping, riding a train and sitting by the stream looked surreal but somewhat refreshing. But nothing is weirder than seeing “L” trying to straighten his back! LOL! But seriously, this made me love his character even more because he finally seem more human. He finally found real friends and he finally learned how to really care about others. When the girl was crying in the beginning, he didn’t know how to react but in the end he was able to hug her just like a normal person would. I wish I could do that too.

But seeing L’s humanity made his death so much sadder than it was before. At the end of the movie he said “I want to live a little bit more in this world” with a smile on his face. It was the first time he really smiled. For the first time in his life, he had a reason to live but it was too late. I felt bad for him. Truth is, I’m like the old “L”. I don’t have a reason to live. If someone tells me that I’d die tomorrow, I’d be totally fine with it. So I feel bad for those that has to die even though they want to live so bad. I’m really gonna miss L. But I guess it’s time to pass the torch to his successor, Near (Who was also in this movie). Whenever I think of L’s first and last smiling face and Night’s peaceful face as he slept in his box, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes.

Night and L may you rest in peace. I will never forget you.

End of Day Thirty Seven.