While I was gone…

I mentioned before in my earlier posts that I only have two more posts to go and after that I would completely stop writing in this blog. Well, this is not included in those two posts. That’s why I wrote this on the “Kumiko” section. I just have to write in this blog before I explode.

I’m dreaming right? This couldn’t possibly the real world. I’m probably staring at the ceiling now and day-dreaming because things like this don’t happen in real life, right? Haven’t I experienced enough drama in my life? How could something so cliched, so typical in cheesy romance drama happen to me? I want to scream and burst into tears but I can’t. I’m still in a state of shock and disbelief. This can’t be reality.

You see, in my entire life I only opened myself to two people: my guy bestfriend, Kazu, and my girl bestfriend, Reiko. I’ve mentioned Reiko before. She’s my funny, loud and confident girl bestfriend. We’ve been friends since I was a freshman in college. And she’s the only friend of mine that I’ve known the longest. We’re complete opposites but somehow we got stuck with each other. She was one of the few people I really cared for. I cried with her when she had fights with her boyfriends, I was by her side when her father died and she was the only person I’ve ever hugged. I said before that I don’t like touching people and I’ve never hugged anyone even my sisters. But I hugged Reiko when her father died. It was the first time I tried to comfort another person, the first time I really wanted to be there for someone. Although I didn’t tell her everything about me and until now she doesn’t fully understand my personality, she’s probably the person who knew me better than anyone else. She’s my oldest and dearest friend. We only went our separate ways because of our differences. But I really missed her. She’s the only person, aside from Kazu that I really miss seeing.

So I couldn’t believe what I saw when I checked my email. It was a picture and a short note. A picture so unexpected, it made my mind go blank. I mentioned before that my absence didn’t affect anyone back home. Their lives went on as usual and me not being there didn’t change anything. I was right.

While I was gone Kazu, Reiko and my family continued living the way they used to. And while I was gone, a lot has happened to Reiko. Her career was going better than ever and she broke-up with her useless boyfriend. I’ve always been against that guy and kept telling her she should just break-up with him. And while I was gone, she did it!

While I was gone, Kazu finally got over his ex-girlfriend. He stopped chasing after her and he started to move-on with his life. He got a new job and a moved into a new place. He seemed to be doing extremely well.

But most importantly, while I was gone, Kazu and Reiko got engaged.

She was heart-broken and alone and he was finally free from his old feelings for his ex. She’s sweet, funny and charming, just as Kazu likes his girl to be and Kazu’s kind, good-looking and caring, just as Reiko likes her guy to be. It was a match made in heaven! And they looked so happy in that picture!

It was shocking and so unbelievably unexpected. Before I left home, Reiko was happily dating her ex-boyfriend. They were even talking about getting married. She and I were even searching for good wedding dresses, churches and reception halls when we were still living together in a share-house. As for Kazu, he was so focused in his work that he didn’t even paid attention to all the girls who flirted with him. He always hung out with me and the guys. He didn’t have dating in his mind at all! And before I left home, Kazu and Reiko haven’t even seen each other for months. Plus, Kazu’s known Reiko for a long time and he never showed any special feeling towards her. So to find out that they’re engaged is just so unbelievable! It’s just something that couldn’t possibly happen in real life! It’s just not possible!

But if it’s real, then I’m glad Reiko finally found a man that would love and cherish her. A man that wouldn’t make her cry like all of her ex-boyfriends. And I’m glad Kazu was able to love again too. Both of my bestfriends are happy now. But just as they both found their happiness, I’ve also lost my two bestfriends forever.

I feel like the biggest loser in the world right now. If this is really happening then, I have absolutely no home to go back to. The only thread of hope I’ve been hanging on to finally snapped and I’m falling deeper and deeper into this dark pit I dug for myself. No one can help me now.

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You’re currently reading “While I was gone…,” an entry on The Unremarkable Life of a Female Otaku

Published:: August 30, 2008 / 8:07 pm

Category:: Kumiko

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About

My name’s Kumiko. 21 years old. Japanese. Female. Otaku.

I started this blog out of boredom. I’ve been a shut-in for a few months now. I only go out to buy food, new games, DVDs or books and to watch movies. I talk to no one. My Laptop and pets are my only companions. It seems a lonely life to some but it’s really not. I’m used to it. This blog is not an otaku guide about the latest anime, games or manga. It’s just a record of my everyday life and a bit about my past. So don’t expect much. After all, the title did say “unremarkable”. And that’s exactly what my life is like.

Kitsune 8.30.08 / 10pm

Reiko and Kazu are your best friends. Eventually, you lost contact with them, but they are still dear to you, isn’t it? Why you are treating this situation as if they are lost for you forever? If you break up with a boyfriends, you can still be friends, don’t you think? Reiko sent you an email with a picture, that means that she still remembers you and that you are her cherished friend.

You are not a looser at all. Things happen and they are not your fault.

“I just have to write in this blog before I explode.” I didn’t like the sound of that. Before you take any action, please consider the reasons for that action and consequences for yourself and others carefully.

yankumi7 8.31.08 / 4pm

To Kitsune. I really appreciate everything that you said in my last two posts. But I have to say, you got this whole Kazu and Reiko thing all wrong. It’s nothing like the ex-boyfriend example you just gave.

They’re both my bestfriends and I’m happy for them. I really am. But that doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. I am in so much pain because the only guy I’ve ever truly loved is now engaged to someone else. I’m the type of person who doesn’t fall in love easily. That’s why even though I’ve had lots of suitors before, I ignored all of them. But when I do fall in love, it’s not something I could easily get over with. And what I feel for Kazu is not just love for a man. It’s so much more than that. He’s my only hope for happiness. So how can you expect me to still be friends with Kazu and Reiko? I can’t even bare the thought of seeing them together in person. I can’t go to them and tell them that I’m happy for them when deep inside I’m hurting really bad. That would make me a hypocrite. I can’t smile and pretend that nothing’s wrong. I’d rather stay away from them than to keep lying to them and to myself. I knew Kazu might find someone else while I was gone but I never expected it to be Reiko. If Kazu fell in love with a someone I don’t care about, then I don’t have to pretend that I’m okay when I’m in front of them. I don’t have to pretend that I’m not hurting. But it’s Reiko we’re talking about. I can’t show my true feelings because it would make her feel bad. And I don’t wanna hurt her feelings, especially now that she’s finally really happy.

I see scenes like this in dramas all the time. But it’s different when it’s actually happening to you. This is something I never expected to happen, not in my even in my wildest dreams. But it happened, so my actions may seem stupid to others and pointless but I’m doing what I think is right. Believe me, I know how stupid this is. I always get irritated when the characters do stuff like these in dramas but now I’m doing the exact same thing. Ironic, huh?

Kitsune 8.31.08 / 7pm

Kumiko, I am sorry that I didn’t understand your feelings completely. Thank you for your clarification.

“He’s my only hope for happiness.” This is quite a strong statement. Why do you think he is your ONLY hope for happiness?

People have various systems of believes about this world. One of these believes concerns the source of control. Some think of it as a dichotomous system (external vs internal control), but it is continuous in nature. On one end of the spectrum you have people who believe that they have no control over their life – all depends on destiny, and on the other hand you have people who believe they can have complete control over their life – if I work hard, I can achieve anything. The truth is somewhere in between.

A few posts back you mentioned destiny. Unfortunately, media perpetually engraves unrealistic stereotypes about relationships to the people. Some people think that the destiny will match them with the only true love in their life. However, a bitter truth is that there are more than six billion people on Earth. What is the probability that you are destined to this particular person? What if you were living in Europe for example. Would you ever meet Kazu at all? Probably not. You would meet some other person who would genuinely care about you and you would feel the same for him. While you are deeply in love with Kazu now, if you are willing to let go, you’ll see that there are many other people, it is just that you’ll be unable to meet them if you sit in your room and watch dramas all day.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours; if they don’t – they never were.”
Richard Bach

The fact is that Kazu is no longer with you. The question is what you are going to do about it? There are many ways to proceed. Some can be quite radical and easy, while others can turn such an unfortunate turn of events, when the only person you really loved is with your other best friend, into something much more. It will be not easy, but you can turn this great pain you experience into personal growth.

Find support
Talk to your friends, post on forums, blogs.

Accept It
Time alone will not heal you. Deal with it, think about it, accept it. You are experiencing many feelings now, some of them are very intense. Accept them and they will help you learn about yourself and the meaning of your situation. Lock them up inside you and you will lock away parts of yourself.

Express It
Some of the great composers, writers, and painters created their masterpieces in the moments of great emotional pain. You are a good writer and have talent. I hope you can channel the energy you are feeling right now creatively.

Have Hope
Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present. Healing will come eventually.

kinki 9.1.08 / 2am

Hrm, I find it hard to understand the part putting someone as the one and only hope for our happiness.

It’s okay to feel sad but you still need to accept the fact, face it, learn to let go and move on.

Talk to your friends. If you find uncomfortable to do that face to face, then you can do what you have done now, writing it here.
It’s good that you could express your feelings through your writing, or your painting to make you feel better.
If it is still not enough, then write and paint more..

Anyway, I am not good with giving advice…so, just hope that you will feel better soon.

yankumi7 9.2.08 / 1pm

I guess the phrase “He’s my only hope for happiness” sounds a bit creepy and stalker-ish. Okay, so let me re-phrase that. I mean, he’s the only guy I imagined having a future with. You know, like the phrase “You’re the person I want to spend my entire life with” That sounds incredibly cheesy but that’s what I meant. But like I said, I knew Kazu would eventually find someone and I was prepared for that. But the only issue here is, I wasn’t prepared for that someone to be Reiko. But I’m alright now. I was shocked at first. (and I mean really really shocked!) But the pain vanished in a day. I didn’t even cry. Funny, I cry when seeing scenes like this in dramas but I guess it’s different in real life. Anyway, I’ll be posting my second to the last entry tomorrow.

kinki 12.4.08 / 1am

No matter how many times I read, I still couldn’t understand your decision…guess I am not trying hard enough.
I suddenly remember what someone always reminds me..
life is unfair but it’s fair to be unfair…
well, everything really depends on the mindset..
I hope one day you’ll make a pleasant surprise for us.
Falling from the top to the rock bottom, and climb up again.

Jarvis Wade 1.6.09 / 4pm

truly enjoyed bumping into this blog post – I’d love to see more of your threads!!

The Unremarkable Life of a Female Otaku

While I was gone…

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